I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
