i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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