it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
