i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
