I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
