I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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