i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
