shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
