i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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