Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
