Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
