I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He has the fingertips of a God
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