I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
