doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
