it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
