I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
