Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
