I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
