I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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