One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
