R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
