Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
