I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize