he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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