If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
