so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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