I should be sponsored by Trojan
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize