Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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