no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
