he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
