Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I yelled at your uterus for you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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