sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize