Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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