R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
