So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
