he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Randomize
