I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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