im having a threesome with these popsicles
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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