I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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