We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
