i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
