You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
