Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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