rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
