3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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