my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
