I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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