So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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