I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
