Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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