the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My vagina just clenched in fear
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
