drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
