do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
