Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
