I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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