I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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