bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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