Ketchup is God's man juice
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
