I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
