Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
