i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
