I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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