Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
